Twitter In The 90s: Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky's Affair Leaks on Twitter, North Korea Hacks Her DMs

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By: Keith Nelson Jr (@JusAire) Editor-In-Chief

1995 was a stressful year for President Bill Clinton. Terrorists evolved into superterroristsHe was forced to cut welfare by $8 billion more than he said he would six months earlierAnd had zero tolerance for underage drinking and driving. But, June 1995, two months after an Oklahoma City bombingClinton would make a hire that would shake him to his knees:

In November, only three months and the first of two government shutdowns later, the Commander in Chief would find solace from the cumbersome stress in the bosom of Ms. Lewinsky, beginning their sexual relationship. A 22 year old woman whom, four years before interning at The White House, engaged in a three year affair with a married teacher at Beverly Hills HighAndy Bleiler, whose children she babysat. The man even moved his family TO OREGON when Lewinsky transferred from Santa Monica College to Lewis and Clark College. Andy's wife said Lewinsky told her she was going to intern at the White House "to get my presidential knee pads" and would later speak freely about their tysts to friends.  A woman whom struggled with self-confidence issues and told anyone she remotely trusted about her sexual history, would not think twice about logging her daily thoughts to people that will listen to her philosophies on love. Such as this gem...

No matter if you're the manager of McDonald's or the leader of the free world, a "grip" like Lewinsky's is hard to shake, especially if you're a notorious womanizer. And like the great philosopher Notorious B.I.G. would later proclaim in 1997: "If the head right, Big there err night."

WAIT WAIT THERE'S NO WAY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WOULD PUT ANY OF THIS ON RECORD AND WOULD NEVER GET THAT NASTY?!

In the mid-to-late 90s, most people over the age of 30 had very little idea of how the internet operated. Less than one percent of the 5.7 billion worldwide population used the internet in 1995 compared to over 40 percent of the 7 billion global population of 2015. The President was progressive, streaming the first inauguration over the internet in 1997but was ignorant to its scope, thinking "only a handful of physicists" were using the internet on January 25th, 1994, which no one knew for certain in 1994. Plus, Clinton would call Lewinsky on the phone, spent enough time with her that rumors began spreading internally at the White House and allegedly sexually assaulted former volunteer aide Kathleen Willey in November 1993, two years to the month of the start of his sexual relationship with Lewinsky. 

Bill Clinton was flying high on the same presidential power trip that had John F Kennedy Jr. daring interns to go down on each other and being excited when women 20 years older than him that he slept with said they did not also fuck his father. You think Bill wouldn't've wanted as many direct lines to his sexual conquest as possible? You don't think a man with his ego would EXPECT to have as many direct lines to his sexual conquest as possible? Yeah. Ok.

Oh and video chat was actually around back in 1995 and Clinton tested it himself:

Also, the President wouldn't get that nasty? Well here's an excerpt from The Washington Post from Lewinsky's 1998 deposition to the Grand Jury:

Cigars have always been an acquired taste.

Once the affair with Lewinsky started, her uncontrollable zeal and his blind arrogance would be their undoing in a place where all opinions are welcomed but none are safe from discovery: Twitter.

January 1996

February 1996

But, like all "friends with benefits" when one person is married and important, one of the partners begins to outgrow the confines of the relationship and desires more legitimacy to match the real feelings of love they have developed. That's when suspicion arises. In Spring 1996, Gary Bryne, a uniformed Secret Service agent at the White House at the time informed then White House Deputy Chief of Staff Evelyn Lieberman about Lewinsky being at the White House when she didn't belong. He even later referred to her as a "stalker" and told her to her face that he saw her leave the Oval Office on a day she later testified was a day she performed oral sex on El Presidente.

Clinton had to get rid of his new side piece or shit was going to get real hot, but we all know there is nothing like a woman scorned. After Marilyn Monroe called Jackie Kennedy to inform her about the affair she was having with JFK JR, a Presidential Handbook on how to properly get rid of a mistress was probably created and stored next to their Illuminati membership cards. What's the best way to shut someone up? Put some money in their mouth. So Clinton told his top administrative officials to find Lewinsky a job and they did, in the dreary halls of the Pentagon as an assistant to its spokesman Ken Bacon.

Lewinsky did not take that too well and would have let Bill know DIRECTLY if there was Twitter In The 90s:

But Lewinsky was not the only former White House employee exiled to the Pentagon. In June 1996, Lewinsky struck up a special friendship with former administrative aide to former President George Bush Sr Linda Tripp. Things would take a sticky turn in November 1997:

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If there was Twitter In The 90s, these type of girl chats between Lewinsky and a woman who admittedly recorded 20 hours of phone conversations without Lewinsky knowing, would have been commonplace. It would have also had been one of the last ones, as weeks later, on November 24th, 1997, Tripp was subpoenaed in the sexual assault case former Arkansas state clerk Paula Jones lodged against Clinton in January 1994. A month later on December 19th, 1997, Lewinsky was subpoenaed. Fearful that she will become a target of a Clinton administration that was not too fond of her, Tripp turned over the secret recordings of her conversations with Lewinsky to Whitewater Independent Counsel Ken Starr. She even wore a wire for the FBI during her last meeting with Lewinsky at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel bar in Pentagon City, Va on January 13th, 1998. 

If there was Twitter in the 90s, this scandal would have had ATOMIC implications:

WAIT..THERE'S NO WAY LINDA TRIPP WOULD GO TO NORTH KOREA. THAT'S TREASON. WHAT THE FUCK WOULD NORTH KOREA WANT WITH THAT INFO ANY WAY?

Linda Tripp wore a wire to uncover an affair for the FBI, hated being demoted from administrative aide for the Bush administration to a glorified secretary for the Clinton administration and thought she was doing all of this for her country. Tripp was the first person within the Clinton administration to publicly accuse the President of sexual improprieties when she informed Newsweek back in August 1997 about witnessing Kathleen Willey leave the Oval Office "disheveled... her face was red and her lipstick was off." Tripp's salary was doubled to $88,000/year when she was relocated to the Pentagon and, under the burden of paying her daughter's school expenses, was still basically broke.

Maybe North Korea hit her DMs with a price for her loyalty. Greater women have done worse for less. 

Why would North Korea be interested in Clinton's dirty laundry? Because what's a better way to 1. distract the world and 2. invalidate recent sanctions imposed by Clinton on their nuclear program than getting him impeached adn removed from presidency? In October 1994, Clinton approved a deal to have North Korea dismantle two nuclear reactors that were under construction and could have helped create hundreds of nuclear weapons. It was later revealed that under dictator Kim Jon il, North Korea was evading the 1994 agreement and was continuing their uranium enrichment initiatives.

But before the bombs go off, the bills get signed, Clinton gets impeached and all that juicy stuff...if there was Twitter In The 90s, the second the news of Clinton's affair hit the net..them jokes would've FLEW!!!!