By: Keith Nelson Jr (@JusAire)
Dougie Hawnser now admittedly loves hoebags and Dawson from Dawson's Creek is on a show called Dont Trust The B- In Apartment 23...on ABC. Even Seinfeld(albeit with mostly just Larry David) has been updated with an edge. Girl Meets World's first episode airs tonight (June 27th) so I revived a series I started on Lifers.me. This series of articles will delve deeply into the mechanics, nostalgia and hilarity of Girl Meets World...uncensored.
*Quick Recap: Corey, Shawn, Topanga and Eric went to New York City. Topanga and Corey have a 13-year old daughter named Riley. *
Episode Topic: Black People and the N-Word
Boy Meets World was more than just conscious of the absurdity of their all- Caucasian world, they were internally critical. The lone Black Ranger Angela once even received an A on a paper entitled "Maintaining Black Identity When You Have Three Very White Friends". Imagine if Angela's propensity for confrontation and the comedic grace of 6-episodes-and-done Black BMW Teacher Eli Williams was crystallized into a mini-J.B. Smoove(like him). Welcome to the episode where the N-word gains Riley Matthews her first Black friend. Coincidentally causing Friend-of-All Corey Matthews to realize they have not contacted Angela in a while (You know they haven't. They shipped her off to Europe to be a grown army brat before the season finale). Imagine little Riley flaunting having a black friend by recalling all the normal things they do with semi-racist euphemisms. ( "Yeah, we swag surfed all through Wholefoods.")
If all else fails, this could also simply just be a 22-minute breakaway episode where Corey goes to a Farmers' Market in East New York Brooklyn only to find out there's no farm and gets a startling answer when he asks a merchant, "What's beef?"
Why It Has To Happen:
From 1990-2000 (near the end of Boy Meets World), the average Black population in the entire state of Philadelphia was around 1.2 million. That was not necessarily reflected in the final season. New York City averages nearly double that so it seems highly unlikely Riley can meet the world and only come in constant contact with one or two Black people. A great way to make a cameo from Angela. And yes, I will pull the Obama card on this one as well. You can teach race relations, politics and friendship all in one episode? That's a Feenygasm. Even if you disregard all of that, four words should be enough for this episode to exist:
Eric. Matthews. In. Harlem.
Corey, Topanga and Angela sit down with Riley as Angela informs her of the different rules of the N-word. While she is explaining, Corey starts asking questions such as, "I saw a nice pale Latin fellow screaming it out the bodega. Why can he?" After a while you begin to realize that Corey does not know much about Black people to the annoyance of Angela whom after a while asks Corey "You serious, my nigga?" to an absurd question he poses. Riley and Topanga sit there dumbfounded.
Why It Would Not Work Censored:
How I Met Your Mother and Friends basically whitewashed over the PG New York City. Boy Meets World's final episode painted New York City as this dangerous, fast paced foreign land. New York City is at its comedic best when the inherent brashness that characterizes New Yorkers is unfiltered and paired against conventional. That is the dynamic that makes Corey and Shawn's brotherhood intriguing. Trailor Park Boy with middle class gullible nerd but unified nonetheless. Also, Boy Meets World delved into every topic from premarital sex, underage drinking and divorce to unethical teachers and gender insensitivity. Except race.
So...Corey is going to have to explain 1. why his daughter's classmates call each other nigga and 2. figure out what a YG is and why everyone is "My Nigga".
Possible Episode Title:
Episode Topic: Sexting
Corey's above epic monologue over the anguish of a sexless relationship was the release of a collective frustration with the blue-ball treatment Boy Meets World gave Corey's sex life we all felt. The most influential difference between Girl Meets World's fictional universe and that of Boy Meets World could prove to be the Internet. At the end of Boy Meets World in 2000, the internet was in its infancy of global domination (music just started being pirated). Now? Over 50% of teenagers in America own cellphones. That is a fact. The United States of America spent 121 billion minutes on social media in one month in July 2012. That is a fact. A survey shown nearly 1 out of every six human beings between 12 and 17 have received sexual picture through text. That is a fact. An episode where the offspring of an awkward 16-year quest to sex attempts to understand why her crush keeps sending her pictures of his genitals (and how to respond) is hilarious. That is a fact.
Why It Has To Happen:
"Take notes, mommy. Eric Matthews is giving lessons in human boinging." Eric actually said this to his mother in an episode (S07E07-"It's About Time"). Besides random moments in between absurd scenarios (Topanaga telling stranger elderly woman she wore Corey out in bed) the most honest conversation about sex Boy Meets World ever had was the episode "Prom-ises, Prom-ises." That episode found Corey and Topanga unsuccessfully attempting to have sex during their prom at the same hotel Mr. and Mrs. Matthews have rented to "celebrate" having another child. This was too racy for the execs at Disney Channel whom have banned it from being aired during syndication.
1. After Riley's delinquent best friend(she'll have one, trust me) encourages her to respond in kind (Kramer calls it the timeless art of seduction), a hilarious montage of clips will include Riley doing awkward faux-yoga positions to get sexy shots of her body to no avail. She ends up face first in the toilet with her camera phone tilted at her back by the time her parents find her.
2. After Corey confronts his daughter's crush about his sexting, the kid says "I was trying to show my love" and Corey tells him "that is a very adult decision" and gets a wild idea to do it for Topanga. Corey is not the most technologically gifted(never had a cell phone in Boy Meets World) or the best at being cool. Long story short...Feeny wakes up to a picture of a weenie. Welcome to the first episode bringing back Mr. Feeny.
Why It Would Never Work Censored:
Call it what you want but a 13 year old sexting is essentially child pornography and I am not entirely sure if there is a television network that would take this on. Also, even if a network did, would you want to pass up the chance to hear Mr. Feeny, in his most bullhorn-projecting teacher voice, incredulously screaming: "Is that a dick?"
Didnt think so.
Possible Episode Title:
"Sext Me, Maybe"